Half Man Half Biscuit

There was one in the gang who had Scalextric And because of that he thought he was better than you Every day after school youâ€d go round there to play it But it always took about fifteen billion hours to set the track up And even when you did the th

Said the public sector leader At the pre-launch breakfast briefing Get your cheque books out I don't want them saying this town doesn't care anymore So fifty sea cadets are sailing To a place where no-one sails to They'll probably raise five grand Th

We're just receiving reports of an incident at a farm in Sussex where a number of people have been arrested in connection with "Annoying The Nation". It is believed that that the owner of the farm, a Mr. Hibbert, has been co-operating with Polic

I feel like a beggar accepting alms Then being pelted with figs I study my steadily declining chart placings They greet me with freezing cold inhospitality Hey, where did that bloke go who said I was vital? I possess the mild air of a retail tobaccon

Tedious people, tiresome town Under the gaze of the mayoral frown Always calm with a gentle breeze Tarkus in black vinyl please What would you do If the sexton's wife from the best-kept village nearby came running With bells round her neck and said Y

Ner ner-ner-ner ner-ner-ner ner Ner ner-ner-ner-ner-ner No! Oh oh oh! Elevate! Unemploymentâ€s rising in the Chigley end of town And itâ€s spreading like pneumonia Doesnâ€t look like going down Thereâ€s trouble at the fire station someoneâ€s had the

The A is for my authority, which many players seem to question Thinking they're somehow going to make me change my mind B is for babies, which a lot of managers cry like after a decision has not gone their way C is for the continual criticism I recei

My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount What am I supposed to do? I'm up the creek and never mind the paddle boy I haven't even got a canoe I sold my soul to an Arctic Roll I went to hell on a red skidoo I did the Shake'n'Vac and broke my fucking back A

Our Ted it has to be said Produces proof beyond us Rain, shine or gale force nine His frames remain intact Helicopters in my garden bringing wind, i beg your pardon Double glazing is amazing Don't you all agree? No fears they'll last you for years ou

Telephone call Telling me My old friend Graham had died I took a ride Down to where I Could be of assistance I said to his wife Don't give in To grieving cliche and turn His side of the room Into a shrine It just doesn't work My arm round her shoulde